The way I am [right now]

I grew up a lot in the past almost six months since graduation.
I'm closer with God now...but I was so ready to turn my back on Him and I wonder what the heck I was thinking. I'm cynical when it comes to most guys...my personal opinion is that most of them just want sex and will say all the right things, push all the right buttons to get it. I lost a "best friend" for unstated reasons...my brother was really sick...my mom was in a car accident...my sister's car broke down in monterey...still God is with me. He gives me joy...a reason to smile. Through all this, little signs show up displaying His love. I couldn't even explain them, or how I know they're from Him. I just do.

I don't understand matters of love. I can't read my own heart these days-its awfully secretive. I'm accepting it.

Thats all. The unspecific details laid out here for viewing.

Have a great day. Happy Thanksgiving...don't forget the true meaning of the holiday.

goats...

I am so proud of my goats. They are awesome, and beautiful and I can't wait for next year when they kick more goatie rears in the show ring.
'Nuff said.

I've just been so incredibly happy lately. I have a lot of joy and it just bubbles over!

Why?

I have tooo many worries for a "sane" person. I really need to find someone to talk to. Someone outside of the situation, who doesn't know any of the parties involved. I like that people trust me, but what I'm told tears me apart and I have to get it out.

I leave for State Fair in less than a week. I'm really dreading it. I'm going to miss out on a lot while I'm gone.

My heart is heavy, and I wish I didn't know why.

Reflecting...

is something I like to do. I think that's one reason I keep a private journal-ish thing. I like to go back and relive things and think about them. Okay, maybe just maybe I am an introvert.

Since graduation, I've thought about who I was just four years ago and who I am now. There were so many life lessons that I learned.

• Life is short. Anytime you see someone could be the last. I think that was the most reoccurring theme.
• Forgive quickly.
• Keep in touch with people.
• Smile because you can.
• Take risks.

I wish I had known those things earlier.

I've found that I am a lot like the Israelites in Exodus...actually in the whole Bible. I caught this after the county-wide graduation. I'm ashamed of it now, but I was sitting there and grumbling to God. I really felt a peace going with Trinity although I didn't have a reason to. My bestest friends had just graduated and I watched. So that night I said, "God, this isn't fair. I followed what I thought You told me..and now I'm totally jipped." I grumbled about all the things I missed out on and all that and then focused on my own graduation. I sat down and wrote my speech. It came so easy. Practicing it felt right. The day or maybe two before graduation is when I think my change in heart really happened.

I'm really glad I trusted. I took a leap about six months ago and now I really do not regret it. It was actually beyond my wildest dreams. This isn't to diss my county friends. I love 'em to death. Its just that God opened many doors and I'm sooo thankful for that.

I didn't mean to rattle away like this. I'm not even sure if I'm making sense to anyone but myself. Its hard because I can't even describe what happened in my head. I just know God did something extraordinary!

3/2/2007

when your eyes burn with tears
remember I Am here
I will be with you
when they've all gone
marked you "mistake"
I don't make mistakes
be strong
your purpose will come
I will not leave you

-EC

Something I've recently struggled with. Sometimes I think of myself as a mistake. How would that be possible? God doesn't make mistakes, so somehow I still fit in His will. It's hard to think about.

Too much thinking...and still no conclusions

Watch out...the rambling is here.

I am frustrated with a few people at the moment but mostly with myself.

WHY?? Why?

I am angry because I sit on the sidelines. I watch...I'm a spectator and I feel stuck there.

I am capable...I know I am. I settled on the social ladder and now it feels like I'll never get off this rung.

I'm president of my 4-H club. I talk a tonnnn. I go up to people and talk to them. So why?

God, why?

and why do I feel the need to keep a facade that this is all ok with me.
people always think i'm fine because i act like i am. i don't want to walk around all mopey...but i'm tired of being a hypocrite. i really don't know what i should do...blaahblah.

gahh. i'm so confused.
i don't even know what i'm thinking anymore.

We've got quizzing fever...

Bible quizzing is coming soon and my team is very excited!

But there is a twist...we now have quizzing fever.

The question: what happened as a result of Adam's sin?

Answer: The stream of humanity was polluted
I am serious...that was taken straight out of the book. So we pull out our fishy crackers and all four of us (yes) start saying, "fishieeee!!"

It's so sad...I'm sorry.

Hurray!

Wow! I have a blogspot...yay?

I'm getting tired of xanga.

15:13 comes from John 15:13 --Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

I'm reading Romans right now and really loving it. I hate legalism, and God is showing me how legalistic I am. It's very humbling.
More later...